


I Took a Deep Breath and Listened to the Old Bray of My Heart

by painted_pain



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-01
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 21:00:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/painted_pain/pseuds/painted_pain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt.</p><p>accidental nap: a falls asleep on b and they wake up muddled and comfy and pretty sure they should extract limbs and heads from shoulders, but. this is nice. could be That One Declaration of Love, or some goofy nerdy thing that everyone forgot about three minutes later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Took a Deep Breath and Listened to the Old Bray of My Heart

Jared stumbles in through the front door of the apartment he shares with Jensen, eyes sore with exhausted grit, head hanging heavy on his wobbly neck and he wants to sleep for a fucking week. He loves working in the shelter, God, he will swear he does until he’s blue in the face, but sometimes, on those days when everything goes wrong and it all builds up behind his eyeballs, gut wrenching unhappily, nose filled with the smell of wet dog, heart achingly empty -- sometimes it all becomes too much and he collapses under the weight of it all, every tedious, circuitous job and every heavy thought pulling him down until he can’t think straight.    
  
He kicks off his shoes, wincing at the viciously loud banging noise they make as they collide with the wall by the door and starts suddenly when he hears a groggy voice calling out from the couch.   
  
“Jay? Th’ you?” Jensen slurs, the sleep in his voice reducing it to whiskey toned gravel. A shiver runs up Jared’s spine and tangles itself in the mixed up fondness and dread that simmersin the pit of his stomach. Falling in love with his best friend is such a fucking cliché, goddammit, Jared thinks to himself, ignoring the need to go over and see if Jensen is, is -- what? Okay? He resists the urge to punch the wall. Or himself. Jesus fucking Christ, Jared is such a girl when it comes to Jensen, it’s pathetic. He sighs deeply, pushing all the air out of his lungs and breathing in; pushing out the old and breathing in the new. Jared just stands there breathing, leaning forward until his forehead touches the cool wall, eyes fluttering closed; one of these days all this breathing new-agey self-help crap will work and Jared will be a new man, all these  _feelings_  disappearing, cleansed and washed away. Or reciprocated. Maybe today will be that day. He snorts as he feels a warm rush at the sounds of Jensen shifting around on the couch and the soft, snuffling sleepy noises he makes, fingers twitching, aching to run his fingers through that short, spiky hair.    
  
“Today is not that fucking day,” he mutters to himself quietly as he pushes himself off the blissfully cool wall because there is a bed calling his name, wonderfully soft and warm and Jared makes a small moan. He shuffles forward, swaying slightly on his unsteady feet, eyes half-lidded, head swimming in a sleepy stupor. He is too fucking tired and Jared knows he’s not even going to make it down the hall and through the door because putting one foot in front of the other is a monumental task. He veers off to the right and manages to get himself in front of the couch before he flops down, like he’s a puppet and all his strings have been cut. His limbs splay out in all directions and his head lolls backwards, resting gingerly on the back of the couch. He ignores the sleepy protests Jensen makes as he pulls his feet out from under Jared’s ass because if he pays attention, he’ll realise where those feet were and explosions will go off in his barely functioning brain and short-circuit it. In this state, Jared can only handle so much and he’s fucking reached his limit; he reached it about three hours ago when Chad had made some fucking comment about Jared being Jensen’s bitch and Jared had nearly ripped the dickwad to pieces. Yeah, he’s fucking had it with today. Done.  _Jesus._   
  
“Fucking asshole,” Jensen grumbles, shuffling random body parts until he’s sitting upright in a similar position to Jared, right knee dangerously close to his. Jared doesn’t pay that any attention either. He coasts an easy wave of mind-numbing exhaustion and shutters his eyes closed, breathing in and out, deep breathes, in, out, in, out, in --   
  
He hears Jensen move, leather of the couching creaking lightly, and then a gentle cough.   
  
“Jared?”   
  
Jared doesn’t even bother responding, he just can’t do it, heart thundering in his head and it’s too loud, too painful, too much; today was too much, pulling on his senses, the memory of the ache left behind by Jensen’s absence pulsing in his mind too strongly. He tenses, jaw clenching shut, tension running through his body like a wave, domino effect. It hurts, his body too tired, and he hears a quiet sound of distress, knows that Jensen noticed. Jared sighs and waits.   
  
“Jay, you okay?” And Jensen’s voice is still sleep-rough, all whiskey and silken promises that Jared can never have and fucking goddammit, he cannot do this now. He wants to move but his body won’t respond, too heavy and laden down with fatigue. Jared can’t bring himself to respond, afraid that if he opens his mouth everything will spill out, barbed wire and desperation, cutting everything to pieces. He doesn’t say anything and the silence stretches on, becoming something strained and uncomfortable.   
  
Jensen must lean forward because suddenly there’s a hand on his shoulder, warmth bleeding through the shirt and into Jared’s skin. “Jared, please. What’s -- did Sandy -- ”   
  
Jared sighs, of course Jensen would think that, think that he’s all broken up and pining over Sandy, even though all that happened three months ago and it was Jared’s decision, Jared who broke up with her. Fucking Christ, Jared is fucking fine. Okay, that’s a lie but still. Right now he’s just tired and if he hears one more word.   
  
“Jesus, Jensen, stop with the Sandy shit! Christ, I said I was over all that, okay?” It just explodes out of his mouth and his eyes open just long enough to catch the hurt and recoil in Jensen’s eyes, hand jerking back like it had been burned. He misses the warmth fiercely, something cracking in him and aching. Now he feels like crap. Fucking _awesome._   
  
“Right, that was -- I’m tired, alright? Too tired to make my way to bed. Can I just. Can I just lie here for a while, man? Alright?”   
  
“Yeah, alright,” comes the subdued reply. Jared sighs again. He’s doing a lot of sighing tonight, wrenching things up and out, bringing it all to the surface. He doesn’t like it.   
  
“Thanks. And I’m sorry, it was shitty of me to snap like that. Today was. Today was not my fucking day.” Jared rolls his head sideways to look over at Jensen, catches his eye and smiles uncertainly. Jensen smiles back, the stretch of lips wavering and not very convincing but Jared is tired enough to count it as a win. His eyes slip closed and he’s just gone, slipping away, sliding under the comfort of deep sleep. The last he sees are Jensen’s eyes looking too soft, open and lost.   
  
When Jared wakes up again, he’s warm and comfortable and snuggled up against something soft, his left cheek nestled on something that feels like the most perfect pillow; yielding but with a hardness underneath, moving up and down gently. His legs are tangled up with someone else’s but it feels  _right_ . Jared feels rested, his head no longer fuzzy with exhaustion but a haze of sleep still hangs over him, making everything soft-edged and slightly surreal. He’s not sure where he is, eyes blinking very slowly, vision bleary but he feels safe and protected. A hand comes to rest on his head and fingers gently card through his hair, tenderly making their way from forehead to the nape of his neck. Jared’s eyes flutter shut, lost in the pleasure of such an innocent touch. He feels precious and loved and the pads of those fingers rub soothing circles at his temple and he can’t help but hum his approval and moan a little too loudly, arching his head back into the touch.   
  
And then the hand stills, fingers frozen and stiff against the crown of his head. Jared frowns, pouting a little, and then hears a sharp intake of breath, a small sound of shock and fear, so very close to him, and Jared  _knows_  that voice. Suddenly he knows exactly where he is, the cobwebs in his mind scattering, blown away with the force of his realisation. He jerks up from where his head had resting  _against Jensen’s chest_ , his legs nestled  _between Jensen’s_ , where he had been rubbing across Jensen’s torso like some freaking cat. Oh Jesus fuck. He had been sleeping on Jensen’s lap and  _moaning_ . He looks up rapid fire quick and stares at Jensen’s face, takes in the look of surprise and shock and fear, the wide ‘o’ of his mouth, the terror in his eyes and it’s that that has Jared untangling himself and scrambling off the couch, heart lurching in his chest, ripping apart painfully. Jared squeezes his eyes shut against the look in those eyes, can’t bear to see it, and says in a fairly steady voice, “I’m sorry but that shouldn’t have happened. I just -- I shouldn’t have -- ,” he takes a deep breath, proud that his voice only shakes once, “I’ll just go.”   
  
Jared opens his eyes and manages to catch the look of horror that flits across Jensen’s face and then has to look away. Jesus fuck, so this is what it’s like to have a ten year friendship come crumbling down around his ears, to have his heart cut out of his chest and torn to shreds like meaningless piece of paper in front of him. This is all his fault, he knew Jensen wouldn’t, couldn’t, feel the same way and now he’s ruined it. Jared can feel tears pricking at the back of his eyes but he refuses to let them fall.    
  
“I guess I’ll go stay at Chad’s for a while or something. Until we figure out what to do. I’ll have to move out.” God, he sounds so calm, steady, certain, but he can barely get enough air into his lungs, too much pressure resting on his chest, and then he starts to move, one foot in front of the other, looking at the ground. He makes his way around the couch and Jensen is saying nothing. Jared stops and, Christ, call him a masochist, but he  _has_  to look and what he sees has him making a choked sob. Jensen is staring blankly at the silent tv, body tense and still, cold and seemingly implacable. Fuck, Jared has to try. He has to apologise.    
  
“Jensen, I’m so sorry.” Those tears he’d held onto so strongly before come pouring out, streaming down over his cheeks and it actually physically pains him to force these words out. Jared pulls in air but it doesn’t seem to be enough. His head hurts, throbbing painfully.   
  
“I tried to stop, I did but I can’t help it. Please don’t hate me, Jen, God please, I couldn’t deal with that -- “ And then the words cut off, meaningless noises bubbling out because there are steel bands wrapped around his lungs, getting tighter and tighter, eyes flickering, his vision blurring and there are stars flashing. Black encroaches on the edges and he tumbles to the floor, heart thundering so hard it feels like he’s dying.   
  
Suddenly arms wrap around him and a frenzied kiss is placed on his forehead, lips shaking and from very far away, Jared can hear Jensen’s voice say, “Jared, come on, you gotta breathe, okay?” Hands rub soothingly across his back. Jensen pulls in a quick, faltering breath and says, “And I could never hate you, dumbass, I fucking love you.”   
  
Slowly, so slowly, Jared can feel the steel bands dissolving under the weight of those words and eventually he pushes out a hesitant, “Jensen?”   
  
Trembling hands come up to wipe away the wetness from his cheeks and he can feel warm stuttering breath ghost across his lips.    
  
“Yeah, Jay. I’m here.”   
  
Jared looks up at Jensen, whose green eyes are wet and wide and frightened and breath-taking. He’s not quite sure what to do now, settles on lifting his hands and placing them on Jensen’s waist. When he feels a shiver go through the body he’s holding, Jared tugs and crushes Jensen to him, pulling him into his lap and Jensen’s legs wrap themselves around him. Jared buries his face in the place between Jensen’s shoulder and neck, finding he fits perfectly, lips brushing the soft skin he finds there and presses his grin deeper when Jensen shudders and makes a small gasping noise. He sweeps another kiss there, just to feel Jensen make that sound again and then licks a path up his neck, relishing the panting moans he feels puffing against his ear.    
  
Jensen pulls back and gives Jared an accusing stare. Jared pulls out the puppy dog eyes and pouts.   
  
“I was enjoying doing that.”   
  
“Tough shit, asshole, you just frightened the shit out of me.” Jensen’s voice changes from mockingly playful to sombre in a flash. “Jared, you’re okay, right? I mean. You’re not going to leave. Right?” Jensen’s voice cracks and Jared can hear the unspoken ‘me’ hidden in that sentence. He leans forward and presses his forehead to Jensen’s. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?” He gulps in a breath, everything becoming so serious suddenly, air heavy and close. He whispers softly, “I love you, too.”   
  
He brushes his lips against Jensen’s and shivers at the contact, sparks zinging up his spine. Jensen makes a sound that could be either a sob or a groan and falls onto Jared’s lips, frantic and heated, nipping his lower lip and pulling before swiping his tongue across it and then licking into his mouth. Jared just yields under the onslaught, can feel Jensen’s desperation crawl into his skin and a moan erupts from somewhere deep within him. He moves one hand up to cup the back of Jensen’s head and slides his tongue against his, tasting his mouth, discovering all the secret parts of Jensen and swallowing them up, tucking them inside himself. Jensen grips Jared’s jaw, presses his thumb down beneath his lower lip and pulls, opening his mouth wide and then returns the favour, mapping out the inside of Jared’s mouth with his tongue, swirling around and flicking against his teeth before sliding out and placing nipping kisses along the bow of Jared’s upper lip. Both of them are panting and gripping each other too tight, this desperation getting the better of them and making the air surrounding them fizzle and get too hot.   
  
Slowly the kiss gentles, becomes tender, slow, lingering slide of lips pressing softly together, the occasional flicker of tongue and it’s perfect. “Jensen,” Jared breathes, doesn’t know how to say anything else. It’s all he wants to say anyway.   
  
Jensen grins and he can feel the stretch of it against his own lips and then suddenly Jensen is laughing. Laughing so hard he has to lean against Jared, too much hysteria tingeing the sound. Jensen hiccups and then giggles, wiping his eyes, looking at Jared, who’s staring at him, too stunned to speak.   
  
“I’m sorry,” Jensen starts and laughs again, bracing his forehead against Jared’s shoulder, “it’s just, God, we’re such idiots, you know? Man,” and he shakes his head and sighs,” we just kept missing each other or something and then – “   
  
Jensen looks up and grins. “You had a freaking  _panic attack_ . You’re totally the girl in this relationship.” Jared pretends to take offence and pouts, which makes Jensen laugh again, body shaking in Jared’s arms. He says, “Shut the fuck up, you asshole,” but really doesn’t mean it, voice too light and carefree. He flops down onto the ground and pulls Jensen on top of him, wrapping himself around the one he loves and who loves him back. Jared has this, he has  _Jensen_ , so he can take all the jibs and mocking and being called the girl in this relationship. Jensen snuggles into Jared, making a happy, contented sound.   
  
He pushes all the air out of his lungs and then breathes in, filling himself up and this time when he does it, he feels all the old flow out and the new flood in. Huh. Maybe today is that day. Who knew?


End file.
